This Is Quarantine: Day 20

Oh no, it's cool.  Not to worry. I believe I mentioned it before, about a very good day being followed by a very...challenging...day? I feel challenged today.

Spending hours awake last night because e wasn't sleeping well was a challenge.

Getting the tv turned off this morning was a challenge.

Navigating Zoom this morning with e, explaining that she can't just talk when it's someone else's turn and that refusing to answer the teacher's question when it is her turn means that she'll probably miss her turn to speak was a challenge.

Patiently reiterating five times that when writing on lined paper, the holes go on the left was a challenge.

Clarifying that the idea behind a rough copy is not to then produce several final copies, each with some errors corrected, but that there should be one, single, perfect, final copy has been a challenge.

Playing with my toddler, helping my older child with schoolwork, helping my husband figure out if he should be going to work, changing my toddler's poopy underwear 5 minutes after she went to the bathroom, making sure the dog doesn't pee his fuzzy underpants, trying to get the kids to finish their smoothies before having the ten other things they would rather eat, all while TRYING TO DO MY TAXES has been a challenge.

I know I'm not the only one. Everyone is feeling challenged these days. And I know that I won't feel less challenged if I ease up on the homeschooling, or if I put off the taxes, or if we just play all day or watch TV all day or spend all day outside or heck, even drink all day.

Because those are the micro-challenges. Do you know what the biggest challenge is?

It's the worry. I think the worry is wearing us all down.

I'm worried about my husband getting exposed at work. I'm worried about my kids getting exposed from my husband. I'm worried about e not feeling well. I'm worried about my parents getting exposed by someone in their apartment building. I'm worried about my brother who has to travel by plane for work and then go home to his family. I'm worried about my in-laws in Toronto where it's always crowded. I'm worried about the next time I have to go the grocery store. I'm worried about how everyone is going to get through this financially, including our country. I'm worried about the girls taking on the stress their parents are feeling. I'm worried for all of the people still going to work. I'm worried about what the world will look like when this is all over.

Worry is different from panic. Panic is in the moment. Worry is the hours and the days and the weeks stretching out and around those moments, wrapping itself around everything you do, around your thoughts and emotions and almost becomes invisible sometimes. But it's weight is always there.

This is getting too deep.

I'm reminded of a flowchart I saw once that I think about often. It's very relevant today:

Also, look at this face:

He's not worried. He's still trying to figure out how he managed to win the lottery 3 weeks ago.