None of us perfect, but some of us funny.

Wife asks husband to pick up 3 items from the grocery store on the way home. The following string of phone conversations ensues:

Call #1

Where is the closest grocery store and how do I get there?

…11 minutes later...

Call #2 

The store doesn't open until 12:30. 

M: It's 12:28.

I know. 

…10 minutes later...

Call #3

Is homogenized milk the same as whole milk?

Why are there so many brands? What's the difference?!

Wait, I'm going to get this one because the expiry date is December. It's more expensive, but the other one is Nov 19.

M: Babe, I'm using it all today.

I know, but it's only $1.25 more expensive, and it's fresher!

…6 minutes later...

Call #4

Someone said aisle 8, but I can't find it. Any suggestions?

…9 minutes later...

Call #5
I did it! I got it all! Oh, man I got so lucky. The guy who told me aisle 8 when I asked (you know, because I did the smart thing and asked instead of walking around randomly) ended up remembering that they had moved it and tracked me down to give it to me!
M: You're my hero.

So before you go and crucify me for belittling my poor husband after he so clearly came through for me in a pinch, let me just say this. What is life if we cannot laugh at ourselves, and those with whom we have chosen to spend the rest of our lives?

Also, if you refer to the highlighted section in Call #5, you will note that My Wonderful, Helpful, Selfless Husband, out of nowhere, decided to seize an opportunity to sucker punch me, his wonderfully attractive and appreciative wife who just fielded all 5 calls with grace and patience, about the fact that when I go into a store I assume that the employees have no idea where anything is (which is almost always the case in a grocery store), and instead apply an educated guessing system for locating items. Out of nowhere he hits me with this. That's ballsy. And after humming and hawing over whether to post this exchange on the internet, that's what sealed the deal in your favour.

On Happiness

Do you know what happiness is like, mom? It's like magic!

When you're sad, you just wait for a little bit, and then you'll be happy. 

You will. It's magic!

~ one smart girl

Doggy Style

We have a few poses that we make regular use of in our house. Or rather, that E makes regular use of. "Downward doggin' it" is the preferred position for bum wiping. And "Froggin' it" is ideal for washing private bits in the bath. Mom came up with both of these, and E quite enjoys them. But it turns out that even tried and true parental genius can be improved upon by an especially creative 3 year old.

In the bath last night...

M: Okay, time to wash your bits. Frog it please!

E: Actually, I'm going to Dog it. 

M: Downward dog isn't so safe in the bathtub babe, let's Frog it instead.

E: Not Downward dog, mama. I said Dog it.

M: What's Dog it?

E: Like this...proceeds to get on all fours and lift one leg up to the side, planting her foot on the side of the tub...I'm Doggin' it!

"You can't squish me. I'm not a ball."

~ E.

The limitations of infinity

M: Do you know how much I love you???

E: How much?

M: To infinity, and BEYOND!!!

E: That's not how it works, mom, That's not how you love someone. That's how you fly.

M: Oh. Well, how do you love someone?

E: You say, I love you all the way to the moon and back!

M: I love you all the way to the moon and back!!!

E: Thanks.

Brilliance out of imbecility

Common sense ain't so common anymore.

~ Yours truly

(after a head-shaking session stemming from a question asked about the specific age at which a boy needs his first haircut)

Also,

If you make a big deal out of something, it's more likely to be a big deal. And vice versa.

Put that in your child-rearing pipe and smoke it.

Well, you're only 2.

Yesterday E was collecting rocks outside and kept forgetting to bring her watering can to the collection site, resulting in multiple trips to retrieve it each time. After the third or fourth trip I heard:

"Oh man. I am such a amateur!"

Don't sound so surprised

"That's good. So people actually like her."

~ My husband, referring to our daughter as we leave preschool yesterday after several kids call out "Bye E!"

Do they spray the bags with patchouli or something?

Walking through the grocery store, J stops at a display of basmati rice, eyebrows furrowed. He inspects the 10-lb burlap bags very closely, sniffs the air and asks:

"Why do I smell 'hippy'?"

My American friends will love this

E: I'm going to make a tower out of this money.
J: Can you count the money as you stack it?
E: In French or Regular?

Don't hold your breath

Overheard from the toddler on my back during our morning walk to preschool...at 8:20am...


"Mom, let me know when I can watch movies and eat Crispy Crunch, okay?"

...like in a race, I hope.

M: I thought we could go to the library after school tomorrow.
E: Sure!
M: And maybe we can meet Charlotte and Chantelle there too.
E: Meet them or beat them?
M: Meet them.
E: Why not beat them?
M: Why would you want to beat them?
E: I just think it would be fun.

Isms

In the opinion of the esteemed Ferris Bueller, "isms" are not good. Now Ferris and I almost always see eye to eye, but here's one spot where we differ.

"Cow-isms" is the title of my new regular feature on this blog. Thanks Nik, for the recommendation that I create a forum to showcase the brilliance that my daughter regularly shares with the world. And thank you to Amy, who submitted her vote to hear the more dubious, yet equally entertaining, brilliance that my husband has to offer. On occasion, I also produce the odd flash of je ne sais quoi, so I'll throw that in here as well.

In this inaugural post of its kind, I submit for your consideration my husband's unique take on the world:

M: Why do you think his condition progressed so quickly?

J: Well, I think he's a little bit homeless.

M: ??

As well as my daughter's timeless wisdom:

M: What do you think my job is?

E: Well, to watch me take a bath, and to pick me up sometimes, and all kinds of stuff like that.