Saturday, February 14, 2015

The Birds and the Bees: Ep 2

I should be writing more. There certainly have been some blog-worthy moments in the last little while. My crazy daughter continues to say and do crazy things, and almost every day I think I really need to write this down...and then I get distracted and busy and life goes on undocumented.

But STOP THE TRAIN, folks, because today we're getting off at PROCREATION STATION.

You might remember our first conversation going fairly smoothly and without causing too much trauma to either party. You might also remember we had a wall between us. And that she managed to be more concerned with getting a baby sister than the ins and outs (pun intended) of how said baby is made.

So today was kind of like that, except the complete opposite.

There we are...lunch this time...face to face, eye to eye, ovary to ovary. Dad was there too, quietly packing up his bag in the background, en route to the hospital - getting just ready enough for a quick exit, but not wanting to miss the Oscar-worthy performance he could be sure was just around the corner.

E: Mom, how long does it take for a baby to be made?
M: 9 months.
(I believe this is what they call "greasing the wheel". Man, she's good.)
E: So, why does it take so long?
M: Well, the baby goes all the way from being an egg to being an actual human in that time. There's a lot of stuff that has to happen!
E: Yeah. I know. But how does it go from an egg to a baby?
M: Well, first it's one cell that divides, and then -
E: Yeah. I know. But how does the baby get made?
M: Do you mean how does the cell turn into a person?
E: No. How does a woman make a baby?
M: Well, remember we talked about the egg and the fertilizer? The man has the fertilizer and the woman has the egg, and when you put the fertilizer on the egg the baby grows.
E: Yeah. I know. But how does the man give the fertilizer to the egg?

J: Okay! Bye guys! Have fun!

M: Well, that's a grown-up thing. It only works when you're an adult.
E: Well, how does it work?
M: The man gives the fertilizer to the woman and the egg is fertilized.
E: Yeah, but how does the fertilizer get to the egg? Like, how? (lots of hand gestures here...none of them accurate)

~ This is where the wall would have served me well. Any of you who know me well will understand that this is the kind of situation I find painfully amusing. Keeping a straight face would require monumental self-control. The entirety of this conversation was spent actively willing the corners of my mouth to turn downward, with no success whatsoever. I smirked through the entire exchange.

M: The fertilizer comes out of the man's penis.
E: ... (Picture your facial expression the day you learned what hot dogs are made of.)
M: Yep.
E: Ew.
M: (In for a penny, in for a pound) And it gets to the egg by going into the woman's vagina.
E: Ugh, gross. Really?
M: Mmhmm.
E: Why?
M: Well, it makes sense, really. Sperm is made down close to the penis, and a woman's eggs are at the end of the vagina, so it's the easiest way.
E: ... (Picture your facial expression the day you learned that your parents have sex)
M: Yeah, so that's how it happens. It sounds gross now, but one day it won't sound so bad.
E: ... Ew.

From there I was able to distract her from this disgusting revelation by marvelling over fetal development week-to-week, and we moved on. Thankfully.

And then I realized, that was the big one. That was the part I've been dreading, wondering exactly how I was going to navigate what ended up being a very matter-of-fact explanation. And I think I managed to instill just the right amount of knowledge and revulsion to get us through the next few years.

BA BAM!!!!! Come on, give me a hard one.

(That's what she said.)