I'm exhausted these days.
No, I'm not pregnant.
But I sure am beat. Haven't been sleeping well, haven't been sleeping in, and all this thinking about big changes lurking around the corner are wearing this girl down.
I had a job interview yesterday.
Yep, the ball is rolling. I have another one today. Pretty soon it's going to be all work and a lot less play for this kid and her kid. And while E is nothing but completely and utterly excited about school, and while a lot of her work will probably mostly still feel like play, I have a feeling that both of us are going to find ourselves dragging our knuckles through September. And with J on 24-hour call every 4th day, it's going to be a family of zombies around here. Ralph better learn how to feed himself, I suspect.
I had a point here somewhere...
This is the first time in my life that I'm applying for a job knowing full well - and making no secret of the fact - that it is not my number one priority. I want to work, and I will commit myself to a job and do it well, but I will not sacrifice time with my family to do it. I will work when E is at school, and sometimes when J is home on weekends or in the evening, but I will not hire a babysitter or take her to daycare so that I can work. I just don't want to. In the past, I've always been willing to bend over backwards for a job, work hours I didn't really want to work, take extra clients instead of dinner and generally aim to please. I'm still aiming to please, but my family is taking top billing these days. That means that I might have trouble finding a job, I might have trouble finding clients, and I'll definitely feel pressure to work more hours, to give up family dinner and bathtime and bedtime. But I won't do it. I want to take my daughter to school every morning and pick her up at the end of the day. I want to make sure that even though we're apart during the day, that we both get the quality time together that we need, free of rushing around trying to get out the door or to bed on time. Knowing what I want and why I want it makes it much easier for me to tell people this as I interview for a job. But it still feels pretty weird.
But I gotta tell ya, after that first interview yesterday where I tried out my new "Here's the way it's going to be" interview style, I slept better than I have in weeks. I think that's a good sign.