Priorities.

I'm exhausted these days.

No, I'm not pregnant.

But I sure am beat. Haven't been sleeping well, haven't been sleeping in, and all this thinking about big changes lurking around the corner are wearing this girl down.

I had a job interview yesterday.

Eeek!

Yep, the ball is rolling. I have another one today. Pretty soon it's going to be all work and a lot less play for this kid and her kid. And while E is nothing but completely and utterly excited about school, and while a lot of her work will probably mostly still feel like play, I have a feeling that both of us are going to find ourselves dragging our knuckles through September. And with J on 24-hour call every 4th day, it's going to be a family of zombies around here. Ralph better learn how to feed himself, I suspect.

I had a point here somewhere...

Right. Priorities.

This is the first time in my life that I'm applying for a job knowing full well - and making no secret of the fact - that it is not my number one priority. I want to work, and I will commit myself to a job and do it well, but I will not sacrifice time with my family to do it. I will work when E is at school, and sometimes when J is home on weekends or in the evening, but I will not hire a babysitter or take her to daycare so that I can work. I just don't want to. In the past, I've always been willing to bend over backwards for a job, work hours I didn't really want to work, take extra clients instead of dinner and generally aim to please. I'm still aiming to please, but my family is taking top billing these days. That means that I might have trouble finding a job, I might have trouble finding clients, and I'll definitely feel pressure to work more hours, to give up family dinner and bathtime and bedtime. But I won't do it. I want to take my daughter to school every morning and pick her up at the end of the day. I want to make sure that even though we're apart during the day, that we both get the quality time together that we need, free of rushing around trying to get out the door or to bed on time. Knowing what I want and why I want it makes it much easier for me to tell people this as I interview for a job. But it still feels pretty weird.

But I gotta tell ya, after that first interview yesterday where I tried out my new "Here's the way it's going to be" interview style, I slept better than I have in weeks. I think that's a good sign.

Day 2 Musings...

Things that make me REALLY happy:

1. Walking into E's room first thing in the morning to find her sitting up with her hands in the air and a big smile on her face. Happens about 95% of the time - not sure why but I love it.

2. Hearing E say "Yeah, sure!" to anything I might suggest, be it oatmeal with bananas and cinnamon for breakfast or a a post-nap tricycle lesson. Music to my ears.

3. Getting a down winter coat, brand new for $34.98. Seriously.

4. Getting a big pre-nap hug from my daughter, followed by her pretending to fall asleep on me because she is so supremely comfortable and happy to be snuggling with her mama.

5. Having a family lunch as my husband stops in for a bite while hurrying between hospitals.


Things that REALLY bum me out:

1. Whining, cranking, yelling, ignoring, and general uncooperativeness.

2. Waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to fall asleep due to thoughts of my eventual demise/bankruptcy/failure.

3. Having to fight with my toddler over eating her meals, focusing on what I need her to do (generally getting out the door), or anything really.

4. Things that cost money.

5. Ralph's high maintenance tendency to wine and yip throughout our "peaceful outdoor dining experience" for me to throw the ball for him. Also, same behaviour when he wants in the house RIGHT NOW. Also, his habit of scraping his ceramic food bowl along the floor when he feels it should be filled.

I'm making great inroads on this quest for pure and unadulterated happiness, the kind that transcends daily life with all of its inadequacies and allows one to exist on a higher level of euphoric consciousness. Without the drugs.

Fittingly, my daughter requsted today that we travel to the land of Happiness and Laughter and Sunshine. It may just be a line from her current favourite story The Pied Piper of Hamelin, but I appreciated the unintended synchronicity.

The Secret to Happiness

Turn off your affirmation tapes, return your self-help books and cancel your registration for that motivational seminar. I've got it. Right here, free, on the world wide internet...

The Secret to Happiness.

Ready?

1. Do stuff. All kinds of stuff. Whatever pops into your head. Go for a run. Sit on the couch and fart around on Facebook, cook a seventeen course meal. Surprise me.

2. After you've finished doing whatever it is you decided on, take a minute - just a minute - to pay attention to how it made you feel. Good? Bad? Super-unbelievably-fantastic? Bored? Disappointed?
Just get a snapshot of your state of mind as soon as your done doing it.

3. Write down what you did and how it made you feel.

4. Look at what you've written and take some real time to decide why you felt that way. If you felt good, was it because you succeeded at something? Because it made you feel smart or strong or productive? Because you wanted to do it, or because someone else wanted you to do it? If you felt bad, was it because you didn't get any satisfaction from it? Because it didn't go well? Because you feel guilty about doing it? Write that down too.

5. Do this for everything you do for at least a week. Everything. Work, the dishes, drinks after work, grocery shopping...record it all. Heck, write about writing this stuff down.

Eventually, you should start to see a pattern. You should start to identify the things you do that make you happy, and the things that don't. You should start to see activities, relationships, thought processes and seemingly insignificant details that directly affect your state of mind.

Now here's the most important step:

6. Do the stuff that makes you happy. Don't do the stuff that doesn't.

Admittedly, this is a first step. There will be things that don't make you happy for whatever reason, that you must do anyway. This is going to involve some attitude adjustment, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. If you're anything like me, making an effort to dissect and examine your feelings about your daily activities will be enough of a challenge without trying to make too many changes right away.

Oh, did I forget to mention that? These instructions are simply the product of my wandering mind that were formed this afternoon as I puttered around my family-free house. They have not been tested, they are not backed by any scientifically sound research. But I'm going to start following them first thing tomorrow. I even bought a new notebook, but I never actually need an excuse for a new notebook. Buying notebooks makes me happy.

Pressure's on

Less than a month now until E starts preschool...sniff...and it's time to take this potty training thing one step further. What does that mean? Underwear for naptime. I shudder at the thought of all the extra laundry, but it's a necessary evil.

The good news? We're on Day 3 diaper free for naps, and Days 1 and 2 were a success! She woke up dry! Twice in a row! Of course, she seems to be sleeping a little longer today, so I'm preparing myself for a soggy mess when she wakes up, but keeping my fingers crossed. She has been promised another party if she goes a whole week without peeing during naptime. And we all know how well that went over the first time. It doesn't hurt that she knows we're doing this to get her ready for school, and she's super excited about the whole school thing.

This morning she asked me if I was coming with her to school. I told her that I would come on the first day, but after that I wouldn't be there. I added that I will walk her to school and pick her up every day, and asked her what she thought about that. She was quiet and pensive for...an uncomfortably long time...then she slowly, but decisively, nodded her head and said "Yeah. Good."

Whew.

What did you do today?

This morning the girl and I went to our local library for storytime. Now I don't know if you've been to your library's storytime yet, but I'm willing to bet that ours kicks your library's butt. Alright, except for Zoey's. Live reptiles trump just about anything else, I'll admit. I've been to storytimes in Toronto, which were pretty fun with lots of songs and a little dancing, and in New York where they might as well have been phoning it in. But here in Ottawa - we make hats.

That's right. Or we colour pictures of fish and cut and paste them into the ocean. This is no garden variety storytime. There's even a giant turtle pool filled with bubble solution. Outside, of course. Oh, you don't take little field trips outside at your library? Didn't think so.

On the way home it started to rain a little, so you know what that means. Cupcakes. With chocolate milk or espresso, depending on the age and preferences of your taste buds. Whoever heard of a flower/coffee shop? We have, and we like it.

After a little crabapple picking at the neighbour's house and before lunch, we squeezed in a little ballet class, by special request. After a decent warm up...

And point... 

...and flex!

...the prima ballerina was ready to put on a show!

All in all, it was a lovely - and terribly girly - Wednesday morning. Just the way we like it over here in the 613.

The Great Cure-all

E and I have just survived another bout of this 48-hour-unexplained-fever business that is so common in wee ones. And I learned something on this go-round that might make things easier the next time.

See if you can pick up on a pattern here:

BEFORE ice cream... 

AFTER ice cream. 

BEFORE ice cream... 

AFTER ice cream.

Any questions?

No Explanation Required

I'm done explaining. I just thought you all should know, in case you happen to take note that there are significantly fewer words tumbling from my overactive oral orifice (sounds dirty...but I like it) the next time we talk.

Okay, just this one last time, I'll explain.

I think it has to do with a pesky need for approval, and not really knowing what I want. I find that I'm always over-explaining things, trying to justify my decisions and actions in someone's mind, not least of all my own. And I tailor these explanations to the expectations I believe people to have. It's disturbing, distasteful and dumb. I will not do it anymore. I will do what I will do. I will think what I will think, and I will, for the most part, do and think without the running dialogue of whys and wherefores. It's nothing personal, you understand. It's not you, it's me.

Out.

E is a good sleeper, but she's not one of those kids who passes out in the middle of her toys, or her dinner plate. She pretty much saves the snoozing for her bed, and occasionally the carseat or stroller. I'm often envious of pictures parents have of their little ones becoming so exhausted with playtime or dinnertime activities that they just pass out in amusing positions. I don't have many of those.

Of course, this morning my baby woke up with a fever, and so all regular habits go out the window...

Trip to the Dentist!

E had her first trip to the dentist yesterday! And it was a huge success. Witness the monumentous event for yourself:

Nice chair. Maybe I can get one of these for the living room.

 A pink bib?! This place really gets me.

Practicing keeping my  mouth open...without talking.

 A water sprayer - fun!

A water sucker - double fun! 

 Better play it cool, I think the dentist is coming in.

 I already told you, I have 20 teeth. Okay fine, go ahead and look for yourself.

Hey, what are you writing in my chart? 

You want a look too? Geez, you guys sure are thorough.  

 High five! Let's do this again soon.

This is the life

Today was a good day. A very good day. Of course, any day involving animals and my daughter is bound to turn out well, and if you make those animals horses and have us riding them, well...can you think of another way to spell success?

The horse belongs to a friend from our university days that we've recently reunited with, and I get the feeling that we might have even more in common now than we did then. It was just one of those easy, relaxing days that I'd have been happy to see stretch into the evening, enjoying the company of an old friend and her charming husband. But, of course, toddlers must nap, and you'd do well to remember that no one has ever won a battle against an overtired munchkin.

Later this afternoon as the girl and I were playing in the backyard, I looked around and came to a realization of sorts. I realized that I am supremely happy to have a clothesline, lovingly erected by my husband, where I can watch my clothes flutter in the breeze, soaking up the smell of fresh air and sunshine; to have a charcoal barbeque found on the curb down the street, that makes my backyard smell like a campfire and my burgers tasting of smoky goodness; to be living a less hurried, less complicated existence than a few short months ago, when life was more exciting but more exhausting at the same time.

I loved our time in New York, and I still miss it sometimes. But I wouldn't go back now if we had the chance. The simple things are what I'm interested in these days, and it feels like we finally have a little room in our lives to appreciate them.