I haven't brought home a paycheck in over three years. In that time I've created and grown a baby...but so has my husband and he managed to continue to be a contributing member of society at the same time. I've done a little of this and a little of that, but other than the most amazing two year old that is sleeping peacefully in the next room as we speak, I'm a bit ashamed to say that I have very little to show for it.
I should be in better shape. I should be much more organized that I am. I should have scrapbooks filled with memories from our travels and the first two years of my daughter's life. I should have a filing cabinet full of my writing. I should definitely have stopped swearing by now.
But...I'm not going to beat myself up over it. The fact is, I have been excessively fortunate to have had the opportunity to not have to go to work for a very long time. Most of my friends got to stay home for a year when they had their babies, and those were the lucky ones in Canada. Did I enjoy every minute of it? Nope. Did I make the most of it? Absolutely not. But I am so, so happy to have had it, and I know (most of the time) when to shut up and count my blessings. Apart from being able to watch almost every second of my daughter's development for the first two years, I have had the freedom to decide how to waste my time for much longer than most people get. And for that, I would like to thank the universe.
Which brings me to my point. The universe, it seems, has decided that I have been freeloading long enough. When J starts his residency in July, I will be going back to work. E will be introduced to the wonderful world of daycare/preschool, and mama will resume her post as a massage therapist. It's going to take some preparation. There are refresher courses to take and exams to pass. Plus, there's the unavoidable fact that I need to get my hands back in shape. For this, J has unselfishly committed to doing anything he can to support my efforts. I'm sure I'll find other good samaritans to take up my cause as well.
I'm excited. I loved massage therapy and I've missed it. I've always known that I would get back to it as soon as I could. I'm nervous as all get out - about leaving E, about starting from scratch in a new place, about relearning everything I've forgotten - but I'm sure that, like everything else, it will work out, and it will go much more smoothly than I anticipate. I always anticipate the worst.
So here's to the next four months or so. I have not spent the summer storing nuts for the winter. My ducks are not in a row. I am unprepared for the next phase of our lives. But I sure plan on squeezing as much enjoyment out of these last days as a stay-at-home-mom as I possibly can. And every time I think about that next phase, I find myself smiling. That's a good sign, I think.