Monday, January 17, 2011

He may know about diets, but his math ain't so good.

I'm doing a cleanse. Ugh.

Why, you ask? Well, isn't the notion of purging your body of the crap you routinely hurl into it an attractive one? Doesn't everyone wish they could have a clean slate now and then, whether at your job, in your relationship, or heck, in your colon? I know I wish I could take back that bottle and a half of wine I drank on Friday night, and the Big Mac I needed to soak up the hangover. I might keep the short rib hash I had for brunch yesterday morning, and that last piece of lemon cream pie I stealthily demolished before my husband got home from the gym. But really, there is just so much abuse you can put your intestines through before you just have to feel a little guilty.

I feel a lot guilty.

Plus, I've gained five pounds.

So I'm taking my eating habits by the horns. Four days of "detox" - okay, it may be a crock but I sure ate a whackload of greens today, and that can't be bad, can it? - followed by a series of four day "modules" to make me lean and mean and my colon clean. I just made that up. And I'm serious. I just drank a tablespoon of psyllium powder in watered-down milk. I dare you, in a blind taste test to differentiate it from wet sand.

My goal is primarily to get myself thinking about what I'm putting into my body again. I've been gradually sliding down that slippery slope of motherhood for some time now, forgoing "real" meals for the dregs on my daughter's plate, supplemented with generous portions of chocolate and coffee. It's not pretty. And it's starting to show. I intend to follow this 4-Day Diet for the full 28 days (isn't that how long you assume a 4-day diet is supposed to last???), at which point I hope to carry on consuming ludicrous amounts of vegetables while finding the balance that will allow my daily doses of chocolate without hitching up the saddlebags.

In case you find this all very inspiring and want to do it too, here are a couple of words of advice before you get started:

1. Don't get all excited and start before you actually have any of the food you can eat in your house. It will be a long day.

2. Make sure your loved one who is smarter than you and is therefore not following you down the path to a clean colon has his or her own, normal, food to eat. It's also helpful if he has not thrown his back out, forcing you to prepare his meals and bring his salty, chocolaty snacks to his bedside.

3. Please, for the love of everything intestinally-related, do NOT start off with a whole tablespoon of psyllium powder. That is the maximum recommended daily dosage and, for a digestive system not well schooled in the effects of this uber-laxative, it's not wise.

Now...if you'll excuse me...

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