Summer Snapshots

Up early with a coffee, writing. Sometimes a little kick in the keester is just what you need. And a few nice words at just the right time.

Lots to catch up on, but here's a little taste of the summer we've been having. It is by no means comprehensive, just a teaser.

This one's for you, Brian.

Oh man...busted. I haven't written in a few months. And here I thought I was getting away with it because my parents and the few friends who take a look from time to time are too polite to say anything. The sad truth is that disappointing one's parents is generally not enough to spur most of us into action. And those who see you day to day aren't too concerned about your latest blog post, because chances are they were there. But when someone decides to dedicate a chunk of his valuable time to spend on checking out my life, it's fairly embarrassing to admit that this blog thing is one of the many, many, many things that get neglected in the great toddler race.

This guy Brian is the husband of my friend June. June and I used to work together, and have kept in touch on and off over the years. They have a pretty spectacular little girl named Zoey who is a week older than E, and together they make a pretty awesome team. Brian has his own blog. For the past few months I've made it a habit to visit it almost daily. It's just a nice place to be. It's mostly about Zoey, which makes sense.

Although I've known for some time that June and I have a lot in common, it turns out that Brian and I have quite a bit in common as well. Most notably our delightfully rambling love affair with words. Also, a rather strong attachment to our daughters and a sense of awestruck gratitude toward the tolerant natures of our spouses.

So just for you Brian, I've made a point to give you something to read tomorrow that hasn't passed its expiration date.

My daughter is so friggin' adorable these days I can hardly stand it. When I'm out in public, I'm constantly looking around to make sure that onlookers are catching her adorableness. When we're alone I find myself looking around and saying to myself "Seriously. Am I the only one that gets to enjoy this right now?" She pretty much spends her day listing everything she sees, with a few descriptive adjectives like awesome, cool, crazy or nice. She even knows a few French words, and I couldn't be more proud. She's just now starting to put a couple of words together, like "Help you" when she's asking for help or "I'm sitting" when she doesn't think that we realize that she is, in fact, sitting. So darn smart. She also has a mean Downward Dog, thanks to Toddler & Me yoga, and would spend all day in the water if she could.

The very best thing about E right now is that she has started to poop on the toilet. Wheeee!!!! I can see my days of scraping poo off of cloth diapers and dragging said smelly diapers to the laundromat twice a week coming to an end! Not an imminent end, mind you, but at least we're in the ball park. It all started about a month or so ago when she started saying "poop" about a million times a day. Then she started giving me her bath toys and telling me they needed to poop. So I started holding them over the toilet and making "poop noises" and telling her they were pooping. What we do for our kids. Since then I've made a point every time she says poop to ask her if she needs to go, then ask her if she wants to sit on the toilet. One day it was "Yeah" to both, and she just went for it. I made a huge deal, cheering and clapping and saying bye to the poop as it flushed away. She just looked at me like you would expect her to look at you if you did the same thing when she was fifteen. Priceless. But it was a start. And her enthusiasm has grown. Now she sits on the toilet and grunts and makes faces and when the inevitable toot slips out she gives us the classic "Gasp! What was that?!" look of delighted surprise. It's going well. And it's just the beginning of what will be a long road littered with poop stories. Stay tuned.

Moments

Yesterday E and I had a nap together. After a blissful hour or so, I heard a little voice from the crib say "Mama." I looked over to see her sitting up and smiling at me. Then I brought her onto the bed and we had a lovely little conversation. It went something like this:

E (pointing to the flowers on the dresser): "Flah-vahs!"
M: "Yeah, look at the pretty flowers!"
E (pointing to her blanket): "Ba-ba!"
M: "Nice blanket!"
E (pointing to her toes): "Toes!"
M: "Are those your toes?"
E: "Yah!"
M: "Look at this! You have flowers on your pants!"
E: "Woah."

It's moments like this that I just wish I could videotape every second of E's life so that I won't miss a single thing.

What Mama Wants...

I don't get to do what I want very often.

Now, before you start feeling sorry for me, let me elaborate. It's not that I never have the opportunity. Yes, being a mom is - insert favourite cliche here** - but it doesn't account for my inability to decide what it is I want to do and follow through. I believe that it's actually a flaw in my internal wiring. At least I think I believe that, or maybe I just like to say that to relieve myself of accountability in the matter.

Let me give you an example. A weekend is coming up. I know that J will be taking E in the morning so that I can do whatever I want. Is that pressure or what? I immediately start fantasizing/brainstorming about all of the options. This eventually deteriorates into a mental checklist of all of the things I should be doing that have been put on the back burner (laundry, cleaning, organizing, childproofing, personal hygiene), and the realization that anything I want to do can hardly be enjoyed with all of these uncompleted tasks nipping at my heels.

So what happens? The same thing that used to happen the night before a final that I was not prepared for (and I have ample experience with this scenario). I shut down. I lay in bed and feel guilty about not a) doing anything productive and b) not doing what I want to be doing. Then I get up and waste time on the computer, and instead of getting off at my stop I just ride the guilt trip a little longer, feeling bad about not using my time wisely.

Also, I can't seem to separate what I want from what I think everyone else wants. If I do what I want and spend some alone time, J doesn't get what he wants because he wants to spend time together, and E doesn't get what she wants because she always wants her mama around. We don't get much time together as a family, so is it really fair to be cutting into that time if I'm not going to use it for something "worthy", like going to the gym or cleaning the toilet?

It's a losing battle and, just like me, it's getting old. To quote Mary J. Blige (because what good writer doesn't?): No More Drama. Today I'm tired. I have been watching the laundry pile up for days and I just don't want to do it. I have been working overtime with E because J has been studying/going out to celebrate/going to Atlantic City with the boys, and I want a break. So when Jeff got home from his trip (with flowers), I asked him to do my bidding for the next 24 hours as my Mother's Day present. I sent him out with the girl and the laundry and a grocery list. And not only did he oblige, but I believe his exact words were "I would love to do that for you." (This is a perfect example of when it is acceptable to lie to your spouse.) I'm using the time to blog, to eat chocolate, and maybe even do something productive. But I'm doing what I want. And that's it. Should I feel bad for dumping all of the responsibility on Jeff and sending him away?

No. Because the bottom line is that J wants me to be happy. And right now I'm happy. End of story.

**Let me help you: "a full-time job", "the hardest job in the world", "physically and emotionally exhausting"...

Yeah. What he said.

"Act like you, talk like you, dress like you, laugh, walk, run like you every minute of every day 'cause somebody probably likes you a lot exactly the way that you are...more importantly, you'll like yourself a lot better being exactly who you're supposed to be all of the time."

~ Brian DeWagner, husband of my friend June

This is part of a post Brian wrote on his blog, addressed to his daughter. How awesome is that? Pretty awesome. And instead of getting all verbose and sucking the focus away from this brilliant quote, I'm just going to stop writing here and let you read it again. Go ahead. Enjoy.

Yelling and Screaming and NO!...oh my

My baby. My perfect, happy, adorable little baby. Man, can she scream.

E is officially making her bid to gain status as an independent human being. Loudly. Not that there's anything wrong with that, of course. In theory, it is very much a good thing. In reality however, I am seriously wondering how long it will be before concerned neighbours show up at my door with child welfare representatives in tow. Everyone goes through this, right? Right?

Okay, I know it's normal. What I don't know is how to handle it. I used to watch Nanny 911 and scoff at the incompetence of parents who were afraid to discipline their children and would rather give in than spend the energy teaching their children how to behave. I was always able to offer up my sage advice on how I would have appropriately handled the situation. Now I'm on the other side of the fence. The side where the decibel meter is shattered daily, where the reward for ensuring a child's safety is an all-out tirade of fury, and where one is constantly reminded of her inadequacies as a caregiver. It's tough on this side. And I could use a little guidance. Like, oh I don't know, a visit from Nanny 911.

Not that it has gotten that bad yet. Right now we just have a fiery little 15 month old who is not sure what the rules are and just wants what she wants without a full arsenal of skills to express herself or understand why her mama does what she does. And a mama who just wants her baby...er - toddler...to be happy and cuddly all the time no matter what, which may not be entirely realistic.

I could use some advice. So please, anyone with wise words for coping with this tricky stage, please impart your wisdom. Should I be giving her time-outs for tantrums or just when she does something wrong? Do I just wait out the tantrum or get in there amidst the flailing body parts and try to redirect her attention? How much explanation can she handle at this stage?

Part of the problem is that we haven't really childproofed yet, apart from the odd plug cover and a couple of elastic bands around door handles. Also, the place is a mess. So she is always seeing things to get her hands on that she shouldn't. The obvious solution to this is to get the apartment in order with all things she can't have out of her reach/sight, and to childproof. Okay, so who is picking her up and taking her away this weekend so that I can get started? Anyone???

Inspiration

Everyone needs a little inspiration now and then. A little motivational speaker on their shoulder to remind them about the importance of finding joy and peace in everyday life. Yesterday was a rough day and I found myself lacking perspective. E was cranky, we hadn't had much sleep, it was cold and gloomy, and nothing seemed to go the way we wanted it to. It was just one of those days.

This morning I was reading a friend's blog, and clicked on a link to one of the blogs she follows. It was about the trend these days in getting so much genetic testing done and people choosing to abort fetuses as a result of illness or even gender. From there she went on to talk about God and the tendency people have these days to "design" a God that fits their lifestyle. I'm not a religious person, but the post resonated with me. I took away a message that was perhaps different from what she had intended, but just as valuable.

Life is to be enjoyed. Everyone struggles and falters, and no one has it all. Every day there will be things around us to complain about, and things around us to cherish and be grateful for. All we can do is make a choice. We can focus on the negative and become weighed down by misery, we can focus on the positive and be surrounded by hope and good will, or we can choose not to focus at all and lose out on the experience of life itself.

I am making the choice today to see beauty wherever I look. I hope to make the same choice tomorrow.

Here are three poems that often pop into my head when I'm having a bad day and need some inspiration. I am grateful for the people who have shared them with me.

Don't Quit (My Grade 6 teacher Mrs. Goulagh forced us to memorize this poem. This is an excerpt.)

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.

Untitled (We used to have this up on a corkboard in our kitchen growing up.)

I shall pass through this world but once. Any good thing therefore that I can do, or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer it or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.

The Serenity Prayer (Our cheerleading coaches, Sandy & Adam, would lead us in this prayer before competitions)

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

...and that's about as spiritual as I get folks. :)

Look at all the FAH-VAHS!

It's springtime in New York! If I'm not mistaken, this is one of the most pretty places to be this time of year, along with Paris of course. And our neighbourhood must be one of the prettiest in all of Brooklyn. Carroll's Gardens are all in bloom, and it's driving both my daughter and allergy sufferers crazy, though for different reasons. My neighbour was outside sweeping all traces of plant matter from his stoop and sidewalk the other day in a futile attempt to keep the sniffles at bay. My daughter, on the other hand, can't be within arms reach of a flower without yelling "FAH-VAH!" (in a surprisingly convincing Brooklyn-baby accent) and going in for a "pet". She LOVES flowers. Especially ones that she can touch, and she's usually pretty gentle. But if a petal "accidentally" becomes separated from the stem, she likes it when I stroke her cheek with it.

We have flowers from Easter on the kitchen table that cause her no end of distraction during mealtimes, there is a new planting of annuals two doors down from us that she MUST visit EVERY time we walk by, and the multitude of pink and white flowering trees along our street send her into shrieking ecstasy.

Her second favourite word these days is "CAH" (there's that accent again!), which includes anything with wheels. And her ride of choice is the trike she got for her birthday. When we get it out she says "CAH! CAH!" and as soon as she's on it she starts demanding "GO! GO!". I don't know who looks happier - my girl on her sweet ride, or the passers-by getting a kick out of how cute she is.

Daddies have fashion sense too!

I am a lucky girl. Every weekend, J gets up early and takes E for a little daddy-daughter time so mama can sleep in and relax. They always have lots of fun together. They take Ralph for walks, they go out to brunch, and sometimes they go to Gymboree. I used to feel like I had to get her ready for these excursions, probably because I'm so used to doing it every day that if I don't do it I feel like I've forgotten something. But J is more than capable of handling the entire production. In fact, he takes particular pride in choosing her outfits. I have to say that in general, he is more concerned about what she wears than I am. Some days I just keep her in her pyjamas all day, but not her da-da. Every day is a new opportunity to look fabulous!

The New Rules

The internet is down. Gasp! What will I do while I drink my coffee and eat breakfast? What will I do to escape from real life for a few minutes in the middle of my day? Will I miss out on some great deals from my online parents group? Who has emailed me that I won’t know about? How much time can I spend trying to fix the problem before I am categorized as “obsessed”?

For the past several - erm - months, I have been thinking about cutting down on the amount of time I spend on the computer. At one time I had told myself that I would not use the computer when the girl was awake. Hm. That didn’t take. A couple of days ago I implemented a strict “Computer use limited to one email check/hour while E is awake” rule, coupled with a “No Facebook while E is awake” clause. Just making the rule made me feel like a bad mother. I mean, who sits on the computer while their child fends for themselves in the background? Shudder. Something needed to be done.

You see, I’m a fly-by surfer. The computer is always on, always logged in to email and usually to Facebook. Also occasionally to Amazon and other online shopping websites while I debate whether or not to pull the trigger on various purchases. (I’m casting a pretty wide net with the use of the word occasional.) I don’t spend large chunks of time sitting at the computer (except during naps and at night), but I can’t seem to walk past it (and it’s conveniently located in the middle of the apartment so that I’m ALWAYS walking past it) without doing a quick “Check Mail”, and perhaps a little “News Feed” update.

---First check to see if the internet has come back up---

I don’t want to be addicted to the computer. I take pride in the fact that I don’t have a television. It is important to me that E doesn’t grow up glued to the screen, brain numbed into submission and motivation beaten senseless. I used to watch a lot of television; it’s how J and I used to spend the hours between roughly 5pm-11pm every evening. I loved it, and I hated it. It was so liberating when we got rid of it. But now I’m afraid that I’ve just replaced it with another equally debilitating vice. It’s just as important to me that E doesn’t develop an obsession with the computer, stripping her of all need for real human contact. But at this point,

---Second check to see if the internet is up---

the computer is one of the focal points of her day as her mom and her dad spend so much time at it that she figures it must be pretty important. We don’t let her use it, and probably because of that she always wants to get at it. The only time we let her near it is to Skype with my parents, and she gets so excited and wants to press all of the buttons. It’s obviously going to be a source of interest for her, and we’re obviously going to have to let her use it at some point and set some boundaries and limits and strike a balance and all that parenting crap, but I think the first thing we need to do is get it in check for ourselves. One of the reasons that we stopped watching tv was to set an example for our children. This is the next challenge for us. After that it will be cutting back on my chocolate consumption, but I’m not ready to talk about that yet. Let’s stick with the computer for now.

The Rules

1. Email can be checked only once every 3 hours, as well as during naps and in the evening. Replies to email are limited to naps/evening unless absolutely necessary.
2. Absolutely no recreational computer use (FB, online shopping, etc.) while E is awake.
1. Time spent on Facebook is limited to 15 minutes per day.
3. Online banking, mapping/scheduling reference and other “semi-legitimate” browsing permitted on an as needed basis - but is limited to 5 minutes at a time.

---Third check---

4. More time is to be devoted to writing. Blogging, emailing friends and family to stay in touch and working on various writing projects should be the main focus of computer use.

I feel better already. Wish me luck on this daunting challenge, and feel free to inquire on my progress. All encouragement/harassment/brow-beating will be appreciated. It’s for the good of the children.