Friday, October 7, 2011

Butt...of course!

I've just had an epiphany. Maybe you ladies, and a few of you metrosexuals, have already been made privy to this phenomenon and I'm just late to the party, or maybe I'm a genius. You decide.

Designer jeans.

I used to scoff at them, having never worn them and staunchly refusing to pay upwards of $200 for denim. I mean seriously, what could they possibly know that Mr. Strauss didn't already figure out?

And then I tried them.

Living in New York in a fairly affluent area where people seriously - seriously - sell their immaculate $200 jeans for $10 at a stoop sale, I was fortunate enough to pick up four pairs of big name denim threads. And hot damn they look good. Skinnier thighs, smaller butt, longer legs...all of it. I'm still not paying full price, but hang them out on your stoop and I'll scoop them up faster than three scoops of chocolate ice cream.

Butt...there has been one issue that I've found with them. Although my healthy behind does look markedly better in designer jeans than your garden variety denim, there is definitely an issue with keeping its entirety fully contained, if you know what I mean. Can you "crack" the code? That's right - plumber's butt. Every single pair leaves me hitching and hiking all day, and god forbid I want to sit on the ground with my child without getting slapped with a fine for indecent exposure. It's out of control, really. At first I blamed it on the low rise. But all I wear is low rise and my other jeans aren't nearly as revealing in the tush-ular area. Then I thought maybe I was gaining weight. But again, the other jeans were fine.

Then it hit me. Designer jeans are designed for people without butts. Of course! Of course they make your butt look smaller - because the butt area is so small that it visually looks like your butt is smaller when the rest of your butt is just occupying other parts of the jeans and spilling out over the top! Of course your thighs look skinnier - because the thigh area is so small that your thighs are squished into a casing that is inches smaller than their natural size! Of course! And, ipso facto, smaller butt and smaller thighs - legs look longer!!! OF COURSE!!!

Now that I know this, I will continue to wear my designer jeans. After all, as uncomfortable as they may be, I like the way they look. However, I am confident that someone out there makes a designer jean that accounts for volume in the trunk - I mean, what do J-Lo and Kim Kardashian do?? So I will hunt for them. Or better yet, I will write a letter to J-Lo, asking her to let me know when she's finished with her pair.

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