Self Help

I'm hoping that this blog will make me a better parent. Writing things down makes me think about how I've behaved in different situations, and how I would like to have behaved. It also gives me time to see things differently than how they looked at the time that they happened. Maybe after enough looking back I'll be able to put all this hindsight to a bit more productive use, like in the present. Things that frustrate the bejesus out of me in the moment are almost always funny later on.

Take the Why's. Man, oh man, the Why's.

I got an email today from a parents group about dealing with the rigidity often seen in kids in the 2-3 range. I once heard a friend refer to toddlers as fatalists, and I think of that every time I see the expression on E's face when a segment of her orange falls away from the rest of the orange before she had intended it to, or when she removes the entire peel from the banana when she only meant to pull it halfway down. These are pretty serious catastrophes for my little primadonna, and they are very difficult to avoid in a day that will be filled with things that are out of the realm of my control, let alone that of my clumsy toddler. And when she looks at me with tears in her eyes and asks "Why did it do that?! I didn't want it to do that!!!", what can I say? Some days I'm practically in tears myself, other days I am completely depleted of empathy and the best I can offer is the rather dismissive "Chill out sister. It's not a big deal" mantra. And mantra it is indeed, to the point that when I start to freak out I often hear "CHILL UP SISTA!" coming from that little person that used to just cry and poop.

The Why's aren't so bad when they're born of a genuine thirst for knowledge. It's the Why's that proliferate out of an obsessive compulsion to keep hammering that dead horse that really wear a girl down. It's getting a bit outrageous in our house right now.

E: You want some of my food, mama?
M: No thanks. You eat it.
E: Why?
M: Because it's your food.
E: Why is it my food?
M: Because it's on your plate.
E: Why is it on my plate?
M: Because I put it there.
E: Why did you put it there?

At this point, I start looking for a way out. Generally, I have one of two strategies. There's the "I Love You" strategy and the "Circular Stand-Off" strategy.

A. I Love You

M: Because I love you.
E: Why do you love me?
M: Because you're my baby.
E: Why am I your baby?
M: Because I made you.
E: Why did you make me?
M: Because I wanted you.
E: Why did you want me?
M: Because you're so darn cute!
**tickling, kissing, or some other kind of overwhelming bodily torture that will eventually distract her from the line of questioning.**

This one is fairly effective, except that the string keeps getting longer. It used to be that "Because I love you" would suffice, but every couple of days she decides that she needs further elaboration. This strategy is beginning to need it's own strategy.

B. Circular Stand-Off

M: Because it's your food.
E: Why is it my food?
M: Because it's on your plate.
E: Why is it on my plate?
M: Because I put it there.
E: Why did you put it there?
M: Because it's your food.
E: Why is it my food?
**Are you picking up on the pattern here? Because if not, maybe you can come over and babysit for...a year or so.**

This one generally works, so long as I can hold out longer than she can. But she also kind of likes it because it's a game, so I'm not really curbing any future "excessive why-ing" with this one.

I need new material. Back to this parenting website, after perusing their tips on dealing with inflexible offspring, I did a little searching for how to deal with the Why? issue. It didn't start off well. So many comments from people about fostering inquisitiveness and embracing the opportunity to watch your child learn and teaching them that it's good to ask questions, being excited about imparting knowledge...Yes, yes. It's good. Answer those questions. Teach them all kinds of crap. Never a dumb question, yadda yadda. I was starting to feel a little violent.

What I'm talking about is the Why-ing for the sake of Why-ing. The Why-ing when she already knows the answer. The Why-ing when she doesn't actually care about the answer.  That's where I need the help.

The good news is that I picked up one helpful hint. It's a very simple one: Redirection. Several parents commented that when their child asks Why to a question they know the answer to or repeatedly even after the answer is given, they will often ask "Why do you think?" or just "Why?" And apparently it works. Kids feel proud about being able to give the answers themselves. Worth a shot, I say.

Well, just before nap time today the sea was rife with Why's. Why is that dog green? Why does that green dog not match the tree? Why can I only see the dog's tail? Why is that dog not sleeping? (Questions I would eagerly put to Dr. Seuss, if only he was available.) And you know, every time I asked her what she thought the answer was, she came up with one, and as a result forgot to continue asking Why. Genius.

Okay, sure, later this afternoon we got caught up a bit in the "You tell me." "No, you tell me!" switcheroo, but overall it was a winner. Try it yourself. I'm wondering if there's a way to make it work on my husband.

J: Honey, where's E's towel?
M: Where do you think it is???